Navigating Conversations: 10 Essential Tips for Supporting Aging Parents Who Resist Help

Your mom didn’t tell you about a nasty fall.

Your dad won’t give up his car keys.

Both parents shut down when you try to start a conversation about long-term living options.

Why Aging Parents Often Resist Help

“It’s something we see a lot – aging parents who resist help, because they view it as a threat to their independence,” said Sierra Goetz, co-founder and operations manager at the HomeCare Advocacy Network (HCAN). “For decades, they’ve been able to do things for themselves and other family members – working, running errands, babysitting, managing money, etc. It’s hard for them to admit they now need help with day-to-day activities, and they don’t want to be a burden to family and friends.

How to Prepare for Difficult Conversations with Parents

If you’re ready to have the tough talk with your parents, Goetz suggests you do the following:

Gathering Information Before the Talk

Do your homework. Speak with medical professionals or do some online research to gather the information you need to have productive discussions. Consider sharing relevant senior care articles to get the conversation started – “Mom, I just saw this article in AARP Magazine about in-home care. I’ve been thinking about it for a while now, and I want to make sure I know what’s important to you. What do you think about getting a little extra help.?”

Key Steps to Take Before Discussing Care Options

Prepare for the conversation. Develop an outline, so you won’t forget important points. Focus on the most important considerations – safety, independence, peace of mind and social connection. 

Involving Family in the Discussion

Include other family members. Before talking to your parents, make sure you’re on the same page as your siblings – get their perspective and find out how much they’re able to help. If there are differences of opinion, work them out before having the conversation with your parents.

Timing is Everything: When to Start the Conversation

Have the conversation as early as possible. Don’t wait for a health scare, car accident or other crisis to force the discussion because, at that point, your options may be limited. Knowing the signs of when you loved one may need home care is important

Creating a Comfortable Environment for Discussion

If possible, talk in person. It’s best to hold sensitive conversations in person. If you live too far away for that, consider setting up a video call, so you’ll be able to see each other as you talk. Choose a time when you’re both rested and relaxed and a place where you can’t be interrupted.

Empowering Your Parents in Decision-Making

Avoid a power struggle. Don’t push or give ultimatums. Instead, make your loved ones part of every decision-making process. Validate their emotions and show them that you value their opinion.

Communicating Your Intentions with Care

Make it clear that their well-being is your priority. They need to know that you’re initiating the conversation, because you’re concerned about their health and safety… not with making your life easier.

Highlighting the Advantages of Home Care

Focus on the benefits. If you think home care is a good option, explain how a professional caregiver can help with day to day tasks like laundry, light housekeeping, meal preparation and more.

The Role of Active Listening in Conversations

Listen carefully and respect their feelings. Unless they’re in danger, your loved one should have a choice in the matter. Be sure to listen their concerns, objections and anxieties without minimizing their feelings, and let them be part of the decision-making process. 

Navigating Ongoing Discussions with Patience

Be patient. It’s difficult to have a productive conversation if you’re impatient or frustrated. Accepting help can be a process, so be prepared to have a series of talks. 

How HCAN Supports Families Through Care Transitions

“At HCAN, we work with families to develop customized care plans to meet their older loved ones’ unique needs,” Goetz said. “From companionship to personal care, our caregivers make sure they’re safe, healthy and comfortable with the care we’re delivering – whether it’s a few hours a week or around the clock.”

Want to learn more? Check out how we can help your loved ones age safely in their home or call your local HCAN supported office.